Idle Mode

Hey everyone, hope you guys are all doing okay..and oh, hello November! I haven’t had the chance to welcome you with wide open arms because of the things that I will tell you (and everyone else) now.

This might seem like I am ranting or something and this is also the same reason why I haven’t been online for about a week.

I was on idle mode, I just had my vacation couple of weeks ago and I thought I was busy because my mind was pre-occupied with the preparation for my cousin’s wedding but in fact I was only busy a day or 2 before the wedding. My idle moments started a week before the wedding, the days after the wedding and when I got sick. I wasn’t able to go to work for 4 days, nothing serious – just UTI. I’m done with antibiotics and I am now on my 2nd bottle of Cranberry Juice. I haven’t been eating salty, sweet and fried foods, which is such a torture for me.

All these time I thought I was enjoying my “idle moments” but I don’t think so. Not doing anything at all makes me wonder about so many things, I might have these questions in my life stuck somewhere in my little brain and now they’re coming out of my coconut shell and haunting me and I have been asking myself “why?”. I was over – thinking (I guess)

I woke up one night , no actually my bf woke me up one night asking me if I’m going to work , I said “yes!Of course! But I don’t want to…”

I mean what the eff is going on, I never said those words in my 6 years of working my ass off ( at least that’s what I thought), that was the 1st time. I would get sick and still come to work even though I am feverish, even though it seems like dysmenorrhea can kill me anytime…even though I am having a hard time breathing and talking because of cough & colds.

And to make things worst I told him and myself I’m lazy…and then a few moments later I am denying to myself that I am being lazy.

Then I started asking myself…why am I staying in that company? Why am I still working there? Why can’t I just stay at home and be a bummer! Why do I have to work? What will make me happy and satisfied? What will give me a sense of fulfillment? What is my purpose? What do I want? What do I need?

I have never asked myself these questions before…I have listed (in my mind) the things that’s making me happy and sane (at least) but even if I have imagined myself swimming in a pool of vanilla ice cream – I’m still not okay.

It feels like I have lost my motivation and enthusiasm. I never forced myself to go to work but it felt that way.

I talked to my boss about it and he said “burnout“. I am burnout and that I have to accept the fact that I was lazy and then move forward…he told me so many things that made me feel good.

I therefore conclude that I can’t go on leave for more than a week, that’s just not good for me. It’ll make me forget about the “good stuff” at work.

I am now trying to move on from that feeling…I never thought it’ll be this hard, I never thought that I would feel like I am having a mid-life crisis.

I grew up without really pushing myself to do better , I am always on “safe mode” because I’m afraid that pushing myself forward each time will make room for failures  and disappointments , I am so afraid that it’ll crush me and that I wont be able to keep up with it…I don’t think I am making any sense. I just thought that maybe I can blog about what’s bothering me and hopefully this will make me feel better.

I just wish that my motivation and enthusiasm will be back soon…

But you, how do you deal with “burnout” or long term stress? I saw the following pics online and I thought that they’re perfect for my entry today.

xOxO

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