April’s a Sad Month

for me.

This is supposed to be happy and exciting month since me and my friends is supposed to go to Puerto Galera together…but at the last minute (actually it was a day) I decided not to go b/c my father passed away…so I was on bereavement for a little over a week.

It’s just sad that we had a little reunion at home (in Pangasinan) because someone’s deceased, it would’ve been better if it’s someone’s birthday celebration or a wedding or a christening. Meeting some of my cousins, my 2nd cousins, my uncles and aunties for the 1st time was absolutely great, at the same time it is kinda awkward to really celebrate and have fun.

The funeral and the day after was somewhat weird for me, b/c of the things that we have to do…my grandparents is very superstitious, we did some rituals which I planned to share with you guys on my next entry.

I went back here in Manila last Sunday and it was another heart breaking moment for me, my dog “brownout” wasn’t feeling too well when I left for Pangasinan, she hasn’t been eating for days, barely drinking her water. I did everything that I could to try to save her and make her feel better, gave her water with sugar, bought some dog food for her (’cause I thought that it’ll probably taste better for her compared to eating our leftovers), but she didn’t finish her meal. A  friend told me to give her a bath maybe her sickness is due to the hot weather, but that didn’t make her feel better either….another friend advised me to give her some cat food b/c they smell much better than dog food, I did and brownout finished 1 small can of cat food…I thought it was a success…I tried feeding her again the following day but she didn’t eat anymore.

While I’m on my way my sister’s texting me telling me that Brownout is dying. I wanted to cry right then and there…so as soon as I arrived home, I’ve put on gloves because she’s been salivating and it smells nasty, I didn’t care about her smell all I wanted to do is to really touch her, give her a little head massage and talk to her.

Told her that I am really sorry for leaving her when she needed me the most (my sister really couldn’t take care of her b/c she’s pregnant & my bf is working and gets home late at night). Told her not to wait for my mom because she wont come back until after another week or so, told her that she can leave if she wants to, she’s 15 yrs old and in human years that’s like what? a hundred plus yrs? I don’t know…told her that I’m thankful that she was with us for 15 yrs…and that she’s been such a great dog, she’s not just a dog…she’s a member of our family. I told her that I love her so much and that she will be missed…

She was staring back at me…her eyes is so meaningful, I know that she was talking back  to us through  her eyes…I don’t know but I thought that she’s like telling me that she doesn’t want to leave but her time has come, she’s like telling me that she waited for me and that it’s good I’m home…that I’m safe…and she’s like telling me that she wont last that long.

I tried to give her some meds but she wont take it, I gave her some water but she refused to drink. I gave her this huge box where she sleeps and then my bf put some cloth on her so she wont feel cold since it was kinda windy that night…

I can’t let her inside our house, i know she wanted to…I started crying b/c I know she’s in so much pain but I can’t do anything to make her feel better I didn’t know what to do…

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night knowing that she’s out there, alone. I woke up around 4 AM to pee, I checked on her too and she was barking w/ her very low voice – i thought maybe she’s trying to wake up anyone. My bf woke up at 5 AM, getting ready to go to work, went outside to drink coffee and smoke at the same time, he said brownout was sitting still, staring blankly at our gate…and then she looked at him for a while and he felt like she’s talking to him through her meaningful eyes…he told me that she’s like telling him that she needs to go, soon… she’s like telling him to take care of me and the other member of the family…then she lied down, breathing heavily…until her last breath she was looking at my bf…

My bf woke me up with teary eyes…I went out and started crying at the sight of her without life anymore…

That was like the saddest moment of my life, my grandpa and dog passing away.

But I have to accept that they’re gone…they may not be with me/us physically but I know that they’re watching over us.They’re probably together now with Satine (my dog who passed away back in 2011).

I am still mourning but I have to move on, I just have to keep in mind that they’re in a better place not feeling any pain anymore.

Copy of me and B

dearest Brownout…though yo’re gone, you will always be in my heart…I love you.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “April’s a Sad Month

  1. 1annecasey says:

    Again, so sorry for your two losses, your two guardians who loved you so much. I have no doubt they are still watching over you as they did in life, walking side by side together.

  2. I am very sorry to hear of your sad loss. I was once told that the pain we feel when we lose someone is the price we pay for love and the alternative would be not to know love. I guess that’s true. It’s much better to have known the love you have than, sadly like many people, not know love in their life at all. I believe you are right and you will meet again. I wish you peace and love in your life.

  3. was it your father , or grandfather who passed away? No matter who, I’m sorry for your loss. And for the dog, too. When our dog, a Lab, passed away, my father sobbed so much… we all cried…. he was the gentlest dog in the world ( a useless guard dog coz he wagged his tail to strangers, so friendly). To this day, I still tear up everytime I remember him…. the way he’d put his head on my lap( he was a big labrador). That’s why I can relate to your grief.

    • it was my grandfather, appreciate your sympathy.
      i dont knw if I’ll ever get over the fact that they’re both gone, i feel so lonely and i still cry ( a little bit ) whenever I would remember our moments together or when I’m telling the story to my friends, its jst sad.

So, what do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s