April’s a Sad Month

for me.

This is supposed to be happy and exciting month since me and my friends is supposed to go to Puerto Galera together…but at the last minute (actually it was a day) I decided not to go b/c my father passed away…so I was on bereavement for a little over a week.

It’s just sad that we had a little reunion at home (in Pangasinan) because someone’s deceased, it would’ve been better if it’s someone’s birthday celebration or a wedding or a christening. Meeting some of my cousins, my 2nd cousins, my uncles and aunties for the 1st time was absolutely great, at the same time it is kinda awkward to really celebrate and have fun.

The funeral and the day after was somewhat weird for me, b/c of the things that we have to do…my grandparents is very superstitious, we did some rituals which I planned to share with you guys on my next entry.

I went back here in Manila last Sunday and it was another heart breaking moment for me, my dog “brownout” wasn’t feeling too well when I left for Pangasinan, she hasn’t been eating for days, barely drinking her water. I did everything that I could to try to save her and make her feel better, gave her water with sugar, bought some dog food for her (’cause I thought that it’ll probably taste better for her compared to eating our leftovers), but she didn’t finish her meal. A  friend told me to give her a bath maybe her sickness is due to the hot weather, but that didn’t make her feel better either….another friend advised me to give her some cat food b/c they smell much better than dog food, I did and brownout finished 1 small can of cat food…I thought it was a success…I tried feeding her again the following day but she didn’t eat anymore.

While I’m on my way my sister’s texting me telling me that Brownout is dying. I wanted to cry right then and there…so as soon as I arrived home, I’ve put on gloves because she’s been salivating and it smells nasty, I didn’t care about her smell all I wanted to do is to really touch her, give her a little head massage and talk to her.

Told her that I am really sorry for leaving her when she needed me the most (my sister really couldn’t take care of her b/c she’s pregnant & my bf is working and gets home late at night). Told her not to wait for my mom because she wont come back until after another week or so, told her that she can leave if she wants to, she’s 15 yrs old and in human years that’s like what? a hundred plus yrs? I don’t know…told her that I’m thankful that she was with us for 15 yrs…and that she’s been such a great dog, she’s not just a dog…she’s a member of our family. I told her that I love her so much and that she will be missed…

She was staring back at me…her eyes is so meaningful, I know that she was talking back  to us through  her eyes…I don’t know but I thought that she’s like telling me that she doesn’t want to leave but her time has come, she’s like telling me that she waited for me and that it’s good I’m home…that I’m safe…and she’s like telling me that she wont last that long.

I tried to give her some meds but she wont take it, I gave her some water but she refused to drink. I gave her this huge box where she sleeps and then my bf put some cloth on her so she wont feel cold since it was kinda windy that night…

I can’t let her inside our house, i know she wanted to…I started crying b/c I know she’s in so much pain but I can’t do anything to make her feel better I didn’t know what to do…

I wasn’t able to sleep well that night knowing that she’s out there, alone. I woke up around 4 AM to pee, I checked on her too and she was barking w/ her very low voice – i thought maybe she’s trying to wake up anyone. My bf woke up at 5 AM, getting ready to go to work, went outside to drink coffee and smoke at the same time, he said brownout was sitting still, staring blankly at our gate…and then she looked at him for a while and he felt like she’s talking to him through her meaningful eyes…he told me that she’s like telling him that she needs to go, soon… she’s like telling him to take care of me and the other member of the family…then she lied down, breathing heavily…until her last breath she was looking at my bf…

My bf woke me up with teary eyes…I went out and started crying at the sight of her without life anymore…

That was like the saddest moment of my life, my grandpa and dog passing away.

But I have to accept that they’re gone…they may not be with me/us physically but I know that they’re watching over us.They’re probably together now with Satine (my dog who passed away back in 2011).

I am still mourning but I have to move on, I just have to keep in mind that they’re in a better place not feeling any pain anymore.

Copy of me and B

dearest Brownout…though yo’re gone, you will always be in my heart…I love you.

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Daily Prompt : Menagerie

Do you have animals in your life? If yes, what do they mean to you? If no, why have you opted not to?

I thought it was a crazy idea when a friend told me about her friend who’s an old maiden but have fur babies…I grew up with dog(s), when one passed away mom will surely get a new one or two…but when I was younger I only look at them as playmate, someone who watch over the house when their masters not around, a bodyguard….a man’s best friend.

I never gave any emotions or like an in-depth relationship with our dogs, not until we have 3 dogs and they died like one after the other. I was in high school when that happened, one day I was playing with 3 cute puppies…one day we woke up, Cha-Cha’s no longer breathing…I thought at least we still have Chyna and Yanek, but Yanek died only a few days after Cha-Cha…Chyna fought a little longer, she was the eldest and the sweetest of them all. She wants to be carried all the time, like a real baby…but I guess we were too late to save them all, when they were given to us they might’ve some bacteria/virus already and we were not able to bring them to the vet for the vaccines.

After Chyna left, we decided not have any dog or pet for a while, but I guess we all miss having one. A friend gave us “brownout”, we brought her to the vet right away and she got all the vaccines she needed, “satine” or tintin was given by another friend, and got complete vaccines too, couple of years ago, my brother in law brought home “goldee”.

So we got 3 dogs again…during the time that I was single, they’ve become my fur babies 😀 actually up until this point…they are still and will always be my baby ( i just thought of Mariah Carey’s song…always be my baby :D)

They’ve been the best friend I ever had, I can tell them my problems, my heart aches, rants and all that and they never judged me…they wont say anything that can hurt me, they’re just there, listening to me, looking at me like they can understand the words I’m saying…and there are times when I look into their eyes, it’s like they’re telling me everything’s gonna be okay.

It’s a great feeling to always come home and then you have your fur babies so excited, running to you, jumping, barking, wanting for you to carry them so they can lick you face and just hug you.

Sad part of this, after 10 years Tintin passed away, she died Oct of 2011 and I’m still missing her.

Brownout , well we have her for almost 15 years now, she’s an old maiden. She walks very slow (i think she got arthritis), but she is a fighter, and I really appreciate all the years that she is with us, she’s been the best!

me and B

Brownout Collage

– brownout –

me and goldee_tranquil Goldee Collage

– Goldee-

me and tin

– satine –

There you have it … my fur babies 😀

I’ve been wanting to join the daily post , I’m so glad I had the time to do this today

xOxO